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Untitled so far, A story, kind of.
poutine god
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Well... I've decided to let loose and write some fanfic. Kind of.

I will be posting it here in a serial format. Parts will come as I write them.

This is only the first bit, and I'm not very good at beginnings. My writing style is kind of plain too, I suppose. The kind of awkward speech that these two first characters have doesn't help, haha.

This Mr. Hirasawa is based on the real one, but I am taking artistic license, of course. Note that he looks like he did in 1980, not like how he looks in my avatar, etc. Youngsawa.

Normally I write things with all original characters. I might post some other things if this ends well. I'll try to update at least once a week.

Part One.

Susumu breathed in the fresh air.

It was a lovely spring day, not too hot, and not too cold. The sun was shining, and colorful flowers and weeds bloomed in the field that seemed to stretch out for miles in all directions. The few trees were blossoming, and the petals danced in the wind. The air was clean and crisp.

Susumu closed his eyes and fell into the long, soft grass. He decided to stay here for the rest of his life.

But where was here?

He jumped back up and sternly surveyed his surroundings. There wasn’t a sign of human life, not even a road or anything.

He started to get angry, but something in the air calmed him right down.

“It’s alright,” Susumu said to himself in a quiet voice, “It’s safe here. Very beautiful.”

He shook his head about violently. Did someone just call out to him? How much time has passed? He tried to keep focused.

“Hey, loon!” Yelled the voice of a man from far away. At first, Susumu thought he was talking to himself without controlling it, but a figure soon emerged from the distance. As he ran closer, Susumu could see that the stranger had long, black hair and a strange outfit that consisted of an Indian-style top, white shorts, and leather boots. Also, he had his face obscured by large, round sunglasses and a surgical mask.

The man nearly ran into Susumu.

“Look,” He said sharply, “What the hell do you think you’re doing? You’d best get out of here, the jicash will drive you mad. How long have you been out here, loon?”

“I don’t even know where ‘here’ is,” Susumu replied.

“Don’t imitate my voice,” Said the stranger. “What happened to you, man? Did you fall out of the sky or something?”

“Perhaps,” Susumu answered, “it’s all kind of a blur. I don’t remember anything but my name.”

“And what’s your name?”

“Susumu Hirasawa.”

“And my Mum is a dog. Look, it’s the jicash. Wear this,” The man said, and after fishing through his pockets for a bit, pulled out another mask and handed it to Susumu. He took it reluctantly.

“Is your head a bit more clear?” The person said, and without waiting for an answer, “Here, I’ll take you away from this stuff. You can call me Kazari, by the way. What should I call you?”

“Hirasawa will be fine,” was the answer. The duo started walking.

“How about you give me a name that won’t get me vaporized? Whatever, I’m calling you Shun.”

“Er, okay?” Susumu said, confused.

As the two walked on, Kazari asked quite a few questions, but Susumu never had a response.

“So, where are you from?”

“I don’t know.”

It went on like that until they reached a small wooden house in the lake of grass and flowers.

“This is my place,” said Kazari. He opened the door. “It’s not much, but it’s home. I watch the fields for wanderers like you.”

The house had two rooms. One, the main room, had a small bed, a table with a rice cooker, and what reminded Susumu of a TV set.

“That’s so Master can watch to make sure I don’t step out of line,” Kazari replied when asked.

“What is this, 1984?” muttered Susumu, incredulously.

The other room was a modern-looking bathroom, with storage cabinets squashed into every empty space.

“Occasionally, I find unfortunate people’s belongings scattered around the field,” Kazari said.

“What happens to the unfortunate people?”

“They get eaten. Or captured and vaporized. Whatever comes first.”

“That sounds nice.”

Kazari sat on the bed, pulled out a rag, and began to wipe his glasses without removing them first.

“I’ve noticed that you seem to remember small things about your life,” He said.

Susumu looked at the dirty floor. “I guess so.”

“Forget them,” said Kazari. “Become inconspicuous. I need to get you registered. Please wait a bit, and answer all questions when asked. Here are some facts about you,” He looked at the screen across from him, “In case you’ve forgotten. Your name is Shun Hasu. You were born in this city, Town-0. Your mother is an Announcer, and your father is in the Air Force.”

“Erm, yes.”

“Glad you understand,” said Kazari, and he opened a cupboard and pulled out another pair of sunglasses in a different style than his own. He then gave them to Susumu and said, “You’ll learn why this is needed later, but for now, put these on.”

“Do I have to wear a bell and say ‘koo’ when spoken to as well?” Susumu laughed a bit, and put his new shades on.

“I’m going to assume that’s a joke I don’t get.”

“You’ve assumed right, I guess. Man...”

“We will start the registration process now,” Said Kazari. He pressed a button on the TV-like object, and a woman sitting at a desk appeared on the screen. Susumu stepped back a bit. The picture looked a lot more realistic than the slightly grainy images he got on his TV back home. Back in...

It was only a few months ago when Susumu saw himself on TV for the first time. The day after his first performance in a live studio, he caught some clips on the morning news. It was a hot summer day, and Akiyama insisted on being too close for comfort, which didn’t exactly help matters. Everyone in the hotel room was up early due to the heat and excitement. The screen was small, and the image was bad, but the figures were recognizable. Not a #1 record, but good enough. A success.

“Wake up, Shun,” came Kazari’s voice, “answer the questions.”

Susumu decided not to say he remembered something.


I will work harder on this. I never finish anything, and I feel like finishing this.
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Never change your avatar
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Yeah - not a bad start. Even if you're not a Susumu fan, it's compelling enough to make you want to keep reading, though there are a few places where the dialogue could flow a bit better. The Grammar Sheriff messaged you the three really minor grammar fixes to make, none of which are a huge deal.

I'd definitely like to see you continue working on this.
Course clear! You got a card.
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poutine god
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Thank you! I've fixed the small mistakes in the main file, I'll do so with the bit posted here eventually.

In this chapter: Kazari's boring job, a cliche ghost story, and a hasty call to adventure.

“Remember,” said Kazari, “be on the lookout for anything suspicious. A person, or something.”

Susumu followed Kazari through the sea of grass and flowers. The pollen had stained his white trousers yellow up to his knees. Kazari’s outfit almost looked practical now.

“So... How long do you do this for, huh?” Susumu asked.

“Until something interesting happens, or until night falls.”

They walked along in silence for what seemed like eternity.

“I bet you’re used to spending a ton of time doing nothing, huh?” Susumu eventually questioned.

No answer.

“I’ll tell you a story,” said Susumu, “It will keep me from dying of boredom.”

As the pair pressed onwards, the afternoon air echoed with Susumu’s voice.

“Maybe you don’t have stories like this here. I am about to tell you a... traditional tale from my homeland. I’m not a good storyteller, but I’ll try. Listen closely.

“It was a dark and stormy night. A salaryman had missed the last train home, so he decided to stay the night at an inn nearby. When he walked through the door, the woman at the counter was happy to see him.

“ ‘Finally, a visitor!’ she exclaimed.

“The man was led upstairs to the fourth floor. He noticed something peculiar: that there were 6 doors on the left side of the hall, but only 5 doors on the right. There was definitely space for six rooms, and there was nothing strange with the outside of the building. Suspicious, he took the fifth room on the right, locked the door, and went to bed in his business suit.

“He was awoken in the night by a terrible noise. Something was scratching the other side of the wall separating him from the room without a door. Whatever it was, it was also screaming ‘Let me out, father, let me out!’ At first, the man thought it was alcohol taking its toll on him, but he soon decided it was for real.

“Even the most tired of people couldn’t sleep while listening to that, so the man got up, unlocked his door, and started kicking the bare wall from the hallway. The building was made from a cheap material, and the wall soon broke. The man gasped in horror at what he saw.

“Words written in blood covered the walls. ‘FATHER, LET ME OUT’ was scrawled on every centimeter of space. Fungus was growing in the fetid corners. The smell of rotten meat spread out into the hallway.

“However, there was nobody there.

“Thank you for listening to my story.”

Susumu stopped walking to take a bow. There was silence as Kazari turned to look at him.

“I have a story of my own,” said Kazari, “but unlike yours, this one is the truth.”

“Fine then, Mr. Exposition, go ruin my fun.”

“Here, there aren’t any cameras around, so I’m free to tell you whatever I want.

“Part of the story goes like this: Once, Master lived in a bad place. It needs no elaboration. Then, he moved over here and built a paradise so nobody would have to go through troubles like he did. See? Easy to remember, makes Master look sympathetic. But of course, that’s only what the schools and government say.

“What actually happened: The universe was created by seven gods. They’re very temperamental and easy to play against each other. Each of them made a jewel, and whoever holds the jewel controls one of the seven worlds. Master convinced two of the gods to get into a fight, and then stole one of their jewels in the chaos. That’s why he controls all. We can’t even rise up and try to defend ourselves at this rate, not without the jewel. Even if we had one jewel... His power has grown too great.”

“What is this, a comic book?!” Susumu spat. “So you’re saying all we have to do is go to six other worlds and collect jewels, right?”

“We? Who said you or I was going to?” Kazari turned away and started walking again.

“Why the hell did you tell me, then?”

“I felt you should know.”

“That’s it? Look, if somebody with an apparently forbidden name randomly shows up, you don’t just say this for no reason! This is obviously a call to adventure, no matter how you slice it, dude. You and me? We’re going to get those jewels, gather up a resistance, kill this guy, and get me out of here!” Susumu put his hands on his hips and stood triumphantly, then his stature shrunk and he asked, “We can travel between worlds, right?”

“Well, yeah, bu-“

“Good! Tell me how!”

“I have a friend in the ci-“

“Take me to him!” Susumu yelled.

“Calm down! I’ll take you down there. Don’t speak, continue to hide your face, and try to look taller,” said Kazari, satisfied with his work.

“Are you saying I’m short?”

“Yes.”

The two made their way toward the city lights, arguing most of the way.


I can't write.

Feel free to ask questions, but there's no guarantee I'll answer them if they're important to the plot.
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Interesting enough. Again, it's good enough to keep me reading, with reasonably interesting characters and fairly vivid settings. If he really does go on an RPG-like quest for a bunch of jewels, though, be careful where you go with that, because that could get tedious in a hurry.

And since I am the self-proclaimed Grammar Sheriff (and have been reading a random book about journalism today), I have to note two brief lapses worth fixing:

Fujiko
" 'Finally! A visitor!


Should have a closed quotation mark at the end.

Fujiko
He noticed something peculiar: that there were 6 doors on the left side of the hall, but only 5 doors on the right.


You should spell out the numbers for purposes of consistency.
Course clear! You got a card.
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poutine god
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1. I solemnly swear not to make it boring. That's not all there is to it.

2. There is. Due to the story already being in quotations, I used apostrophes for that bit.

3. Yeah, I was fixing it, but I guess my eyes missed that bit.
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