Dumb stuff I wrote a bunch of years agoOnce upon a time, there was a rabbit. Every week he would have a race with the tortoise, and every week the tortoise would win after the rabbit collapsed from exhaustion not far from the finish line. The rabbit eventually grew tired of all this. "Surely there's a way I can beat this stupid tortoise!" he said.
For years the rabbit's diet had consisted only of vegetables, in particular, carrots. But one morning, right before the big race, the rabbit was hopping down the road by Farmer Joe's farm. But this time, the rabbit noticed that Joe was growing a new, beautiful plant. The rabbit leaped over the fence, hoping to learn what this new plant was. A small sign was marked, "MARIJUANA." The rabbit nibbled on a couple of leaves.
"I've never tasted anything this good in my life!" the rabbit exclaimed. He then gobbled more leaves. A sense of well-being and strength flowed into him with each leaf he ate.
Suddenly, he noticed some migrant farm workers were staring at him and whispering something in Spanish. Afraid of being caught, the rabbit tucked a few leaves under his ears and sprinted away faster than he had ever gone before! And when he raced the tortoise later that day, the rabbit won easily.
From there on, the rabbit would always visit Farmer Joe's marijuana patch before each race. The rabbit never lost another race and eventually earned the nickname, "Hare Olympian of Potsfield County."
Transcribed exactly as originally written (aside from adding a few line breaks). I wrote this when I was 17 years old, and it remains the greatest thing I've ever written... unless it isn't.
Disclaimer: It should be noted that I did not use marijuana or performance-enhancing drugs then, and I don't use them now either. I don't really recommend using drugs to enhance your athletic performance!